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Please, tax us more Mr President: Letter to the editor that was censored

The following letter was sent to a leading newspaper but was never published. It was sent straight from that dying or dead cadre of writers who can still swim upstream with the same ease as downstream and still make their point.

Dear Mr President, it has been slightly more than one year since you took office, and we commend your suave style of running things.

However, we, a small group of like-minded middle class, have one small reservation. We feel that you are not taxing us enough.

Mr President, we need you to tax us more.

We know that there are noises here and there about the amount of taxes that you are demanding from us. We ask you to ignore these small noises.

Instead, we need you to introduce more taxes, taxes like Pay as You Eat; Pay As You Buy, Pay As You Breath, Pay as You Sleep and so on. We also want the proposal of Zebra Crossing Tax mooted in the 1990s as well as new fees for using lifts in all city buildings made real.

Yes, we are aware that there are some very unpatriotic fellows who do not want to pay taxes, but not us, Mr President.

Why would we protest paying taxes when taxes are loose change for us?

We are richer than you know, Mr President. Look, fuel prices keep rising, but have the traffic jams on our roads reduced? Look closely at the number plates of the cars jamming our roads – new number plates are coming out every day. Yesterday, we had KCN, today we have KCM, tomorrow morning we shall have KCR – all second-hand pollutants imported from some junk yard in Japan by fellows who, back home, keep complaining about rising fuel prices.

Does this make sense?

Some of these fellows making small noises against ‘rising fuel prices’ are not genuine, Mr President. How does one complain about fuel prices when a litre of alcohol is still more expensive than a litre of petrol? We need this imbalance balanced. Hike fuel prices to make a litre of fuel equal to a litre of Kenya’s most popular beer, at least Sh500 per litre!

Besides Mr President, raising fuel prices further will help improve the general health of our middle class and their bulging mid-sections. Why would anyone who has been fighting to cut weight and remain physically fit complain when the government, in its wisdom, moves to encourage its citizens to ditch ‘my car’ and cycle or walk to work?

Mr President, we need to jog this nation back to life. For indeed, Kenya has become a nation of sheep- all baaaaa! baaaah! Silently grumbling while doing little to change their lot. Like sheep they wake up and queue for slaughter; like sheep they queue on the roads to go back to their unhappy beds.

We need these herds of sheep jolted back to life; back to the harsh realities around them, and there is no better way of doing this than making them pay more taxes.

Why? A good leader needs to know how far his people can stretch, their breaking point. Only then can he chart a way forward for a nation of sheep.

Tax us more to pay for our illegitimate children roaming the streets – products of our ingrained sense of irresponsibility. Tax us more to clean up our streets and rivers – all results of our ingrained indiscipline and bad manners.

Besides, Mr President, we are already paying more in church tithes than in taxes. Look, if we can pay 10 per cent of our salaries every month to fellows masquerading as pastors, why would we not pay the government that we all expect to do everything for us more taxes?

Mr President, even the kitu kidogo that we give at every opportunity on our roads to the traffic police or in some office to get some favours. All those! Tax them too. Nay. Let the traffic police take their bribe but insist that they pay tax for whatever they receive.

Look, if we are paying Sh2 billion daily to corruption, think how much we would earn back if we taxed this Sh2 billion daily? Whether you tax us more or not, we will still end up paying something small out there at some point.

Besides, there is a reason this whole tax business was introduced by the clever whites. They realised that fellows would spend their days lazing around as soon as their bellies were full, with no ambition at all.

To make lazy fellows work, the white man introduced taxes. To wake up a nation of sheep from their comfort zones, tax them more!”

Signed.

Mediascape.

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